The dreaded fucking background test/ drug test. Many of you little ones have never even considered picking up a joint let alone getting arrested for something stupid. Well needless to say I am no angel but am extremely lucky. So I had my appoint set to show up at 9, and begin the usual bull shit. The background test basically takes a full 2 secs, but is very interesting.
So, you show up and they have you full out about 6 forms basically spelling out to you what they will do with the information they find. After this they take you into the back room and tell you to drop your pants... wait I mean sit down and take a picture. (obv some of our background checks didn't involve anal cavity searches, but one can never be to sure) After this they begin to take your finger prints, and have you sign release forms. At this point my hands began to sweat a little because, well, I tend to have way to much fun and we'll leave it at that. After this they have you go meet with a doctor, and he hands you a cup to pee in. You hand the cup to him (obv without wiping off the extra piss just to fuck with him) and he hands you a slip to hold onto incase your "sample" gets lost.
Painless... and then 2 weeks later or so you get the email saying you past... needless to say mine took alittle longer, but hey we all can't be perfect.
Here's the point, it doesn't matter if you have a checkered past, just make sure it's not one that will ding you. If you have ever shoplifted or stolen anything I would be worried, since that is one of the type of misdemeanors that will get you dinged. If you did something like drink to much and pee on a cop, well... you're in the clear LOL
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The Interview
I slowly walk off the train into the busy bustle of Penn Station wearing my black suit (yes I know horrible choice in color, but i knew so little, and still do!) head directly to the Mexican operated shoe shine. Once in, I feel like a gargoyle perched on the side of a cathedral getting my shoes shined before my interview. After having the feeling of greatness I tip the shoe shine girl $5(more then the actual cost) and head to Starbucks to enjoy the sweet taste and aroma of coffee and espresso before I begin my track to the "BB". I order a "Black eye" aka 2 shots of espresso and black coffee, and slowly head to the subway for my trek downtown.
After an uneventful subway ride I find myself standing in front of a building and looking at it thinking "It has begun" and walk in. I look around aimlessly, only to be found by one of the recruiters asking me for my name and telling me to go get my visitors badge. I'm excited to go see my competition, and quickly get the busy work out of the way and head towards the elevator.
After an elevator ride that took about 2 secs, I walk up to a door and stare in. It had a small group of people around 13~16 people, and I smiled at what I saw. I walked in and took a seat right in the middle of the oak round table feeling like someone important (how little I knew). I started to look around at my competition, and listen to the conversations taking place, it took every ounce in my not to laugh in half of their faces.
Ivy Kid(Harvard) talking to nerdy Asian kid and overly skinny black child- "Yes well I have been studying game theory and in my research I have discovered that I would rather have AK off suit rather then suited. Many would disagree, but since I am a pompus dumbass and heard phil douchemuth try and prove otherwise I will pretend to be smart." -I giggled
Smoking blond talking to very ugly super jealous Asian girl-" I couldn't decide what Louie purse went better with my earrings this morning so, I just picked the one that my little miniature piece of shit poodle peed in less." Ugly Asian girl-"Why can't I look like you?!@#?!@?# no one will ever fuck me!"- yes this is true HOWEVER you will prob get the offer over smoking blond
Smart looking Spanish girl "Hi I'm V and you are?" Me-"Hey I'm "Nobody" some crowd we got here" she giggles I smile... and then I catch something out of the corner of my eye... we shall call him the... TERRORIST.
The Terrorist sat there quietly observing, and I instantly pinned him as an odd ball. He was sitting there with what appeared to be a $1100 suit and gold cuff links that appeared to have 3 diamond studs in them. His friend, we shall name him.."worm" sat there next to him with the same out of place expensive clothing. I instantly pegged them as interviewers already judging us and taking mental notes. I thought it was amazing when Ivy kid#2 walked up to them and said "Not bad suits guys, but really, you should have got them from someplace other then mens warehouse. The interviewers will know." They both gave a weak smirk and TERRORIST then replied "yea well thanks, my suit is (Italian name I never heard of)" Ivy#2 was impressed... I smiled and "worm" caught this and gave me an approving nod!
So after getting my kicks and giggles watching people make fools of themselves the interviews began. I was lucky enough to get both "worm" and TERRORIST. The first of the 45min interview was with the TERRORIST and all the questions were purely fit.
TERRORIST- "so why this BB"
Nobody- "Errrr.... LOUD NOISES!!!"
TERRORIST-"Excellent answer, so tell me of a time you were in a team"
Nobody- "Well this one time in band camp.... and then in the morning he woke up with a saxophone in his ass"
TERRORIST-"Perfect... now do you have any questions for me, or can I go downstairs and blow up the lobby?"
Next interview was with "worm"
worm-"so why this BB?"
Nobody-"Errr well I could give you the same answer I gave TERRORIST, but I notice you have poker cuff links….I’ve played poker for awhile.. did you hear Ivy #1 talk about AK?"(I swear to life this was my actual response)
worm-"I come from Harvard, and after hearing him speak I honestly wanted to throw my ferragamos at him."
The rest of the interview went on with him talking about poker, and us discussing certain aspects of the game.
As they gave us our parting information, I saw the following. Ivy#2 had the reddest cheeks ever, Obv he had at least one interview with TERRORIST or worm. Blond was in tears talking to ugly Asian chick about how they were so mean to her and asked her the hardest questions...(OK BITCH 2+2=5?)
On my way home I was napping in the train when I was awoken by my phone vibrating. It was one of the recruiters saying that the interviews really enjoyed interviewing with me and that I had been extended an offer for a MO position. They would have one more super day and only 3 spots for NYC.
After an uneventful subway ride I find myself standing in front of a building and looking at it thinking "It has begun" and walk in. I look around aimlessly, only to be found by one of the recruiters asking me for my name and telling me to go get my visitors badge. I'm excited to go see my competition, and quickly get the busy work out of the way and head towards the elevator.
After an elevator ride that took about 2 secs, I walk up to a door and stare in. It had a small group of people around 13~16 people, and I smiled at what I saw. I walked in and took a seat right in the middle of the oak round table feeling like someone important (how little I knew). I started to look around at my competition, and listen to the conversations taking place, it took every ounce in my not to laugh in half of their faces.
Ivy Kid(Harvard) talking to nerdy Asian kid and overly skinny black child- "Yes well I have been studying game theory and in my research I have discovered that I would rather have AK off suit rather then suited. Many would disagree, but since I am a pompus dumbass and heard phil douchemuth try and prove otherwise I will pretend to be smart." -I giggled
Smoking blond talking to very ugly super jealous Asian girl-" I couldn't decide what Louie purse went better with my earrings this morning so, I just picked the one that my little miniature piece of shit poodle peed in less." Ugly Asian girl-"Why can't I look like you?!@#?!@?# no one will ever fuck me!"- yes this is true HOWEVER you will prob get the offer over smoking blond
Smart looking Spanish girl "Hi I'm V and you are?" Me-"Hey I'm "Nobody" some crowd we got here" she giggles I smile... and then I catch something out of the corner of my eye... we shall call him the... TERRORIST.
The Terrorist sat there quietly observing, and I instantly pinned him as an odd ball. He was sitting there with what appeared to be a $1100 suit and gold cuff links that appeared to have 3 diamond studs in them. His friend, we shall name him.."worm" sat there next to him with the same out of place expensive clothing. I instantly pegged them as interviewers already judging us and taking mental notes. I thought it was amazing when Ivy kid#2 walked up to them and said "Not bad suits guys, but really, you should have got them from someplace other then mens warehouse. The interviewers will know." They both gave a weak smirk and TERRORIST then replied "yea well thanks, my suit is (Italian name I never heard of)" Ivy#2 was impressed... I smiled and "worm" caught this and gave me an approving nod!
So after getting my kicks and giggles watching people make fools of themselves the interviews began. I was lucky enough to get both "worm" and TERRORIST. The first of the 45min interview was with the TERRORIST and all the questions were purely fit.
TERRORIST- "so why this BB"
Nobody- "Errrr.... LOUD NOISES!!!"
TERRORIST-"Excellent answer, so tell me of a time you were in a team"
Nobody- "Well this one time in band camp.... and then in the morning he woke up with a saxophone in his ass"
TERRORIST-"Perfect... now do you have any questions for me, or can I go downstairs and blow up the lobby?"
Next interview was with "worm"
worm-"so why this BB?"
Nobody-"Errr well I could give you the same answer I gave TERRORIST, but I notice you have poker cuff links….I’ve played poker for awhile.. did you hear Ivy #1 talk about AK?"(I swear to life this was my actual response)
worm-"I come from Harvard, and after hearing him speak I honestly wanted to throw my ferragamos at him."
The rest of the interview went on with him talking about poker, and us discussing certain aspects of the game.
As they gave us our parting information, I saw the following. Ivy#2 had the reddest cheeks ever, Obv he had at least one interview with TERRORIST or worm. Blond was in tears talking to ugly Asian chick about how they were so mean to her and asked her the hardest questions...(OK BITCH 2+2=5?)
On my way home I was napping in the train when I was awoken by my phone vibrating. It was one of the recruiters saying that the interviews really enjoyed interviewing with me and that I had been extended an offer for a MO position. They would have one more super day and only 3 spots for NYC.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Me....
My name is Nobody and this is the story of my summer internship. In a few days I will write about my interview with "BB" and what took place. I was given 3 offers all from different "BB" 1 Middle office gig, 1 Operations gig, and 1 Finance gig(which I received the final offer for on Friday). I have chosen to do the Middle office gig since it will be the best option to get into S&T, and I find it more interesting then Finance. The operations gig was alright and basically the same thing I will be doing in MO, but I like this "BB" more then the other. This blog will give you a play by play of what I do this summer in and out of the bank. Trust me when I say, it will be fun. BTW I like to drink excessively and do horrible things....
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